Abandoned

“There’s not much we can do. It’s probably chronic nerve pain.”

Unfortunately, that was the second time I’d heard those words come from the mouth of a Doctor. Words you don’t want to hear. Words that added to the mountain of disappointments that had slowly crushed my heart over the last few years.

In the summer of 2017 I was back the States for my brother’s wedding, and to address some medical issues I’d been dealing with over the last year in India. I ended up getting a sinus surgery while I was back. All went as planned, and the healing process while I was in the States seemed to be going typically. Upon returning to India a month after the surgery, my nose and sinuses were not happy, and they’ve stayed that way ever since… It’s not an intense pain, and I know there are many out there who are in much worse pain that I am. But. There it was. This constant, unwanted companion that I had to fight with every day.

Some days it’s not so bad, and other days, it’s a bit more intense. Probably the hardest thing is that talking for long periods of time make it hurt the most. If you know me at all, you know I love sitting in coffee shops and talking for hours. But now. Now I have to limit that. I know that after meeting a friend to catch up I’ll have to give myself time afterwards to let the pain subside. I know that I may have to momentarily stop during conversations because my nose and mouth hurt too much. I know it’ll probably bring on some major brain fog, leaving me feeling dizzy… dizzy and disappointed.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

While I was in India, I comforted myself with the thought that once I got back to the States and could see some specialists, they would find a solution to this problem. It may mean another surgery, but I was fine with that.

I returned to the States this summer and I soon saw the Doctor who did my surgery. He took a look at my nose and basically said, “Well everything looks good. I don’t know why you’re in pain. That’s weird.” And that was it. Thanks for nothing!... I saw another specialist, and although he was nicer and seemed more helpful, they really haven’t been able to find a solution to the pain.

The pain in my nose and sinuses is not pleasant, but it is manageable. It’s bearable… However, the pain of disappointment was getting to the place of being unbearable.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

The last few years of my life weren’t supposed to happen this way.

Why did I have to deal with this?

Why did God keep letting me down?

Would He ever come through for me again?

Why did it constantly feel like He had abandoned me?

I spent two years living in India. While it was an incredible experience and I fell in love with the people of Kolkata, I was also going through the darkest time of my spiritual journey. For the first time in my life, I really wasn’t sure if I believed God was good. I felt like he had abandoned me. And I was angry at Him, very angry… I took a huge step of faith and went after an opportunity to live overseas again, mostly because I felt like God was leading me in that direction. I had my concerns, but I decided to go for it!... Pretty much all my concerns and fears about this new chapter in my life came true. I was sick. I was lonely. And at times, the beautiful chaos that is India, was more than I could bear.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

Or, maybe it was…

With the help of friends and mentors, I got through that season. I started to see things differently. I learned the importance of self-care. I learned that our definition of good and God’s definition of good aren’t always the same thing. I learned that my circumstances don’t determine who God is. I learned that it’s Ok to be angry at God, as long as you don’t stay there forever. I learned that it’s important to give yourself time to grieve the pain in your life, and to grieve over losing the life you dreamed about. I learned that you can be doing great for weeks at a time, then suddenly be back in a dark place in a matter of moments. Setbacks happen, and that’s Ok. I learned that if you don’t ask for help and prioritize your well-being, no one will do it for you. I learned that feelings are important, but they don’t define who God is, or who I am. I learned that I’ll probably never fully understand why things happen the way they do. I learned that letting go of bitterness can be a long process, a process I’m still.

I’ve come a long way, but I still struggle to trust God. I still struggle to hope. I still struggle to dream. I still feel abandoned by God sometimes. I still feel the heavy weight of disappointment sometimes… I know with time it’ll get better, and I won’t be in this place forever. And, I know regardless of what happens or how I feel, Jesus is worthy of my praise.

If this pain never goes away.

He is worthy.

If I never get married.

He is worthy.

If I never find a job or place to live that I really enjoy.

He is worthy.

I don’t know where you are in life right now. I don’t know what kind of pain or disappointment you’re dealing with. But, I know we’re all fighting a battle. A battle most people won’t see.

In the midst of whatever battle you are facing, please hold on to this.

You are not alone. God has not abandoned you. This dark season may last a long, long time and it’s Ok to be angry, it’s Ok to grieve, it’s Ok to ask for help… He is still there. He still loves you. He is still good.

If you’re struggling with something and need someone to talk to, I’m here for you! For reals. Send me an email, text, whatever. If you’re close to the KC area, let’s get coffee and talk for a while... I don’t have it all figured out and I don’t have all the answers, but we can walk through this journey together.